True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
