I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
