I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
