I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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