I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
