He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
