I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
