So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Randomize
