Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
