I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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