you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
there is puke in my bra ... again
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