I wish my penis had an off switch
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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