you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
