bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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