I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
