My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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