I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
