i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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