her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
