Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
false alarm, still single
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
