you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
