dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
