two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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