Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
