I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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