I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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