We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
