I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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