i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
