I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
