Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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