matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
