Just fell off a train. Bad.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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