I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
