my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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