found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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