this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
