Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
