I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Randomize
