"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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