hotel room ftw
youre lurking in front of me
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
