then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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