my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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