Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
