i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
