Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
