I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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