Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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