I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
