remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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