it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
