Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
